Fat is Funny


I use humor as a defense mechanism.  I know it’s a cliché but let’s face it, I do.  I can’t count on my hand how many times I’ve done this in the past week just at work alone.  Not to mention how many times I’ve made jokes when I feel uncomfortable around people I don’t know or see someone famous and want to talk to them but feel as if a quick, “You’re a really funny guy,” isn’t good enough.  I do it almost subconsciously and only realize it minutes after the fact.  Most of the time the jokes are slightly embarrassing and fall flat but on a very rare occasion I’m proud of how much laughter I can wring out of a moment.

I make fun of what I eat daily.  It’s not so much the quantity of the food that’s funny but the food itself that makes me laugh.  Jesus, I can sit down and eat an entire bag of Pizza Rolls with no remorse or thought of the new calories that are searching for a home in my body.  I’ve tried eating a two-pound cheeseburger in under twenty minutes, with bacon and mayo, just to see if I could (I won’t say if I succeeded in this or not but I will say that the cup of ice cream that rewards such a disgusting feat is a terrible prize).  I eat horribly.  My diet is something they make fun of on The Simpsons and Parks and Recreation on a weekly basis.  So, I also make fun of it.  Sometimes it’s easier to make a joke about it than to actually take action against it.  Fat is funny, right?

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The One-Man Movie

Moving somewhere new is odd. It seems that loneliness comes with the territory. Its not so apparent during the week but it is on your days off. When you get up in the morning, look at the clock and realize that you don’t have anything to do nor anywhere to go/see it’s somewhat disheartening. So what exactly do you do in this situation?

Well, I could call some people at work but I don’t exactly have their numbers or know them all well enough to “hang out” outside of work. I could simply go shopping but honestly, who has the money to just go shopping when their bored? Every time I end up doing that I purchase something that was not needed and I never really use it. (Switchblade pocket comb. Purchased three years ago. Broke two years ago. Used once. Regret it always.) So what is one to do when he knows no one and there isn’t anything to do?
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The Headphones


Is it strange that I wear headphones just so people won’t bother me? Seriously, is that weird? It’s not that I’m anti-social by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes I just don’t want to be bothered.
At all.
Sometimes after a long and arduous day all I want to do is sit in silence and focus on something that is insignificant. Sometimes it’s a game or a television show that I particularly enjoy. Sometimes it’s just reading “news” that is really pop-culture garbage that in the long run will only effect the subject of said “news”. Sometimes it’s as simple of sitting next to my cat and staring at him, wishing he would let me love on him longer than 2 minutes without the claws being used without warning.
Right now though, I haven’t had a long day. I haven’t done anything that makes me particularly deserving of this sudden moment of silence that I crave on a daily basis. I just wanted it this morning and the silence is fantastic. So I have my headphones placed snuggly in my ears even though there isn’t anything being transmitted through them. They are for appearances. No one will bother me with them in.
That being said I’m in California. No one bothers you in California. No one. It isn’t like Kentucky where people are welcoming and talk to you just simply because you’re standing three feet from them. Here, people don’t bother you. They stand away and wish silently that things will remain unstated. I’m in a coffee shop right now and I have been for about an hour and a half and not one person has bothered to speak to me and it’s fantastic.
I really sound like an asshole but I hate it when people I don’t know have small talk with me while I’m out. Yes, we’re both looking at the same item but does that really mean that we’re obligated to have small talk? Do I really need to laugh disingenuously at something that isn’t funny just because we’re standing relatively close to each other? No, we don’t. You pick your chapstick, I’ll pick mine and we’ll both live satisfying lives without the seven seconds of interaction that neither of us will remember ten seconds later. Not everything has to be social. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Not in a relationship kind of way because I love my girlfriend and more than enjoy our time we spend together. I mean literally alone. I actually enjoy having no one around me. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. It’s not like when I’m hanging out with family or my girlfriend and her family that I secretly wish they weren’t there because that’s not what I mean. I mean that once a week I want no one around me. If I could have a soundproof room, full of nothing but a computer or a television where I could nap and just simply unwind then it would be perfect. Beyond perfect. It would be simply heaven. I wouldn’t spend all of my time there. Maybe just a couple of hours a week to get my thoughts together and read pop-culture garbage without being bothered.
But because of the way the world works and the fact that I make far less than the average 20-seomthing, I don’t have a soundproof room. I don’t actually have time to just myself. I never really have. There seems to be a weird stigma on people who like to be alone. Either you hang out with other people all the time or you’re anti-social. I’ve never understood this. What about being alone is strange to people? People take it personal when I don’t want to be around anyone. It’s not that I don’t want to be around you, it’s really not that at all, it’s just that I need time to myself and dammit we’ll hangout when I feel better and the battery is fully charged.
Maybe someday I’ll afford the soundproof room. I’ll deck it out with stuff that only I enjoy and block cellphones for good measure. I’ll put a timer on the door where it can only be opened after two hours where I can completely be alone and literally no one can bother me. I will sit on my couch and read so much news that I will feel I am doing something productive, when in reality it isn’t productive, just enjoyable. But until then, I have headphones that fit uncomfortably in my ears. I’m not alone, but at least it stops the conversations.

Xbox Woes


Customer service can be a joke sometimes.  The biggest problem I have been recently facing is the fact that everyone on those lines that I have talked to have been complete and utter dicks.  They behave as if they only have the exclusive knowledge to cancel or change accounts and only they understand the elaborate makings of computers.   Granted, the fact that I’m calling them to begin with seems to insinuate that I don’t know something that they do but it doesn’t change the fact that you don’t have to be a complete asshole while the call is happening.  Be a polite customer service representative and complain after you get off the phone and not directly into the microphone.

Case in point:  Xbox Live.  Now, fun fact before we move one, I haven’t had an Xbox in a couple of years now and the primary owner and user of the account hasn’t had access to it since 2009.  That being said we played the living shit it out of for years and years.  But, second fun fact before we move on, my little brother has been charged $10 a month for over a year now for the services he no longer requires.  I decided this morning to amend this because I really wanted to cancel the email it was connected to.  After being tossed around the website for over an hour I decided I would just call customer service and maybe they could walk me through it.  The conversation went like this.

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Let’s Do This

Today is the first day in months that I have no school, homework or work to occupy my time.  Does it feel good?  Absolutely.  Am I bored out of my mind?  Yes, yes I am.  So, naturally, I’ve decided to turn to writing and blogging to fill the time.  I’m currently sitting on my couch, wrapped in a Brookstone snuggie (I’m a pimp) and drinking coffee without creamer because I forgot to pick up milk.

I lead a hard life.

I’m so bored.

Wait a second, I haven’t blogged since, I dunno, 2008? Maybe 2009.  Let me check.  Nope, 2010.  That was last year.  Well shit loads of stuff have happened since then and I shall fill you in on what you’ve missed in the past year (obviously I’m using the word “missed” loosely because I doubt anyone has “missed” the uneven rantings of an attention whore). So here goes…

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